There are so many things that I love about being the father of a toddler.
Toddlers are wonderful. They are also scary.
The “terrible twos” is not just the period when your child learns to throw tantrums and deflate into a human puddle of rage and flopping limbs. It is when that little reptilian brain decides to kick into high gear, reincarnating an otherwise cute baby personality into that of a real life velociraptor, capable of barking orders to its companions and encircling you in the tall grass.
What’s more? They’ve taught themselves how to open doors.
Observe below all the ways in which raising a toddler feels like living in Jurassic Park.
1) This is you trying to catch a flight.
It doesn’t matter if they can’t feel their limbs when you get there. You will get there.
2) Your face after three hours at the dinner table.
Trying to get your child to eat. TO EAT. Something that will keep them ALIVE. Just swallow this green gelatinous glob! Because I love you!
3) When they jump into your bed. Waking you out of a deep, blissful, sleep.
Why do they always land with knees and elbows first? How are they so deathly silent until just before they strike, then release a shrill unhuman squeal? How did they get out of their padlocked room in the first place?
4) When you inadvertently announce that you plan on using the bathroom.
They were off quietly destroying some clean part of the house until you needed to be alone. Then they find you. And they will find you.
5) When you finally shove the bathroom door closed.
You can hear them, their little raptor claws scratching. Waiting. Waiting for you.
6) When you try to sneak a piece of their Halloween candy.
7) What noise? I thought you said junior was asleep…
8) They’ve made a mess so intricate and complex you can’t help but marvel.
Wow, this is just amazing. Wait is that my… Nooooo!!!!
9) Is it wrong for you to use bright and shiny objects to redirect their attention?
No. No it is not. Use that laser pointer until the batteries die.
10) Basically, a day with a toddler is best understood as a cacophony of emotion.
And there you have it. I love my toddler. But she makes me crazy.
Do you have a funny or frightening toddler story? Please leave it in the comments. If you liked this post please click the +FOLLOW button on the bottom right of your screen.
Thank you.
About Joshua Rigsby
Joshua Rigsby runs an independent bookstore in a small Georgia town. His writing has been featured on Thrillist, Atlas Obscura, Southern California Public Radio, the Los Angeles Review of Books, and The Atlantic.
2 responses to “How Raising a Toddler is Not Unlike Living in Jurassic Park”
Great post, Josh. Strangely, doubling the children actually quadruples the trouble. It’s madness squared.
Thanks! I don’t doubt it at all.